Crawling Back

8:01pm: Recovery
Hey! well recovery is actually going pretty well - I'm still just sticking to fruit (&some veg), ricecakes, honey, and slippery elm drink, and therefore I feel 'safe' enough not to b/p, and am satisfied enough not to b/p.
Last night after supper I did purge - not fully, just took the egde of my food. I think this was due to a hot chocolate I drank after supper (it comes up so easily it's difficult not to purge), and also a book I was reading about eating disorders. It upset me somewhat because although I have almost all the symptoms of anorexia - I'm not underweight enough to qualify. Although, I don't see last night's purge as a set-back. Afterall, I still have not binged since monday :)!
I feel I am overeating occasionally, though I am fairly comfortable with this as the food I am overeating is all very healthy, and good for me. By overeating I mean over 1000 calories, which still seems a great deal.
One great thing, is that I am comfortable with the weight I am at the moment, of course I wouldn't mind weighing less, and I'm terrified of weighing more, but right here I'm happy.
I haven't weighed myself either (i judge by the size of my tummy when not bloated, and whether I'm happy with pictures of me). I'm quite proud of this as the scales are still there, I just refuse to give in to them. This has helped a great deal, as my daily mood/strength/resilience is not tested by a weight that should fluctuate on a daily basis anyway!
This afternoon I was feeling quite tempted to eat more than I should (though still on only my safe foods) so I actually did what I've wanted to do throughout my illness, which is not give in, but instead go for a walk and take photos! I took tons of beautiful pictures of which I am very proud :p
Once I figure out how I shall post some up here,
Jo
~xxx~

9:37pm: Recovery
Well, this is day two of my parents knowing everything. I made the momentous decision to get better. You would not believe the relief these past two days have been, not to have to binge, not to have to purge, and not to have to starve.
I'm not ready for big meals yet, and neither am I ready for things like bread and such. What I have been eating is fruit, and rice cakes, and honey.
One great thing that I have learnt, or found helpful, is to have a flask of something called 'slippery elm' which is supposed to be very gentle on the digestive system and whatnot. I have this to sip on throughout the evening ( as I'm out during the day), though I'm sure anything similar such as a herbal drink or something would have the same effect. This works by keeping me feeling 'safe' because I have something to eat/drink, yet it is not something I feel the need to purge, because it's full of nutrients and very healthy.
Another thing I have started doing is going out for walks more. I now go for a short walk after supper. This helps me not to binge, and keeps me from purging. It also soothes the stomache and aids digestion, and it's healthy - it's keeping me fit but not obsessively. It is also lovely to be able to do this - suddenly my evening are free, and I'm able to go out and do things. Suddenly I'm just not trapped.
Although many people might find this difficult, and may not be in a supportive enough environment, the best thing I did was to tell my family. This immediately gets rid of the secretive side of the disease. One reason for me to carry on with it was that it was something that was 'totally mine', but now that it isn't a dirty little secret, it's so much easier to overcome. The thought of it not being completely mine scared me so much at first, but it has not been something I've really gotten down over after all. I don't want this to be mine anymore - i would much rather have a great personality, or a kind heart to be 'totally mine' instead.
I have written up a list of pros and cons for giving up/keeping bulimia. I would recommend doing this if you feel like it. It is so easy to forget all the reasons for getting better when bulimia takes control, but when they're all written down they act as a reminder. I was also able to see that all the reasons for me to recover meant so much more to me, and were so much more important!
Anyhoo, yes, today has been good - and I phoned my wonderfully gorgeous big brother and told him all about it too. He's a star, and I'm blessed with a lot of support.
If anyone doesn't feel they have this, let me know and I'll be here for you,
love and blessing, I hope this acts as a bit of hope, and doesn't come across as me trying to be better than anyone else - you're all just as strong and brave as me, recovery or no recovery -
Jo
~xxx~